A REMINDER OF SELF-CARE

January 7, 2014

My 5th night spent in my new place was last night, while Sunday and Monday were spent up the mountain with Jake and his family. It was a difficult night. Jake didn't spend it with me and I was overwhelmed in exhaustion from the long week and missed his presence terribly. 

It was the first time in this beautiful house I felt nervous and sad. No matter where home is I suppose that might resurface - feelings of aloneness and unsureness. I'm sure I can make those things good things - they are always an indicator for me to TAKE CARE OF ME. I'm burning out and I need refueling and gentleness. 

That comes up in my relationship with Jacob - in him individually too, which hits differently and less often because he cares for so long and strongly. It's odd for me to be physically away from him when we're both  in that odd figuring-it-out place. 

Sometimes I think my body completely rules me - if I don't listen to it closely, I think that's where anxiety and fright deeply comes from.

Another indicator happening here - I think every day about getting back into my yoga and meditation. I had a dream last night about pranayama - strong breath-work practiced in yoga. The signs are getting stronger! When I'm tune physically, I'm in a better place entirely.

I've been struggling with food and nutrition as well. It's probably the most lethargic thing going for me right now. I never know WHAT to eat, I'm not always excited TO eat, and if I DON'T eat, then you can almost always count on shaking, moodiness, or a little bit of a breakdown (ahem, last night). 

I need to prevent that because not only is that unhealthy for me and my body, but it can be unfair towards Jake. I want to make thoughtful food, it's one of my favorite things, and I know I will feel good from it.

I think so much about the teachings of Abraham and recently I read an excerpt from a recording of theirs about food and eating. Everything that we hear in the world about what we should or shouldn't be eating can become personal law but who's to say? We believe and think what we hear and so that's how it is. But I know that's not how it has to work, I can be the creator of how things are for me - my body and what I eat. I can ENJOY what I eat and trust that I will feel good.

I understand this can be a sort of radical idea for most, especially those who study and explore healthy eating (which I sure have!) and swear by it - it's just that! Choose what you eat and feel good.

I often times try to be mindful of restrictive eating- holding back on enjoying food because I've heard it's bad for me and I'll feel bad if I eat it, which can't be a healthy thing if it's one of guilt and shame for wanting to just FEEL GOOD and eat yummy things! To me, emotion and food are on the exact same page. 

So I know how it works FOR ME. I've experimented and experienced and I have a round understanding of my personalized and intuitive diet. I just need to REMEMBER and EAT!

My work and progress starts here. Trusting that WHAT I eat makes me happy and healthy - but eat ENOUGH! I've always loved to eat and my body needs carbs and meat to feels its best. Greens and fruit to cleanse, freshness, too. I know these things, let's put them in action, girl...

I am smiling this long simple morning because for the first time in my life I have the space to see myself, be with myself and move towards the healing I've been wanting.

I have so many stories, my life is full. And it's only getting better.

...

Some things from my weekend!

-sangria is very good

-Monty was so excited to see me after a couple days he sat very close to me the whole time

-I shot a gun for the first time (a .22 rifle, I think); I'm also reading 'Girl Hunter' by Georgia Pellegrini - SO GOOD!

-I'm so tired of building furniture...

-tiny red wine hangover Saturday morning

-made roasted cauliflower soup...OMG!

-finally figured out ow to properly set my old radiators - no more sauna in here!

-I think I fell deeper in love with Jacob.

But that's always the case.